Gum

What the heck makes gum get harder as you keep on chewing it? You'd think it would soften up more and more, breaking down like other foods. But no! After a couple of hours, it's like chewing wet cement and your jaw starts to ache. And yet, you just gotta keep chewing! Aaaaagh!!!

Private Property

I'm sick of these so-called "land owners". Who are they to tell me where I can go or where I can build my hotels? Who says I can't build an addition right on top of "their" property? It's an outrage! Well, I've got a solution that'll teach them all a lesson: Hover Hotels. I'll just float my hotel right on top of their properties --never touching, mind you-- just hovering right above. That'll be nice, unless someone claims to own the air space! HA!!!

Fake Applause

Ready to exercise, Republicans? Tonight's your night! Watch the State of the Union Address at 9pm Eastern! You get to get off your asses and stand up to applaud every five seconds. Up, down, up, down, up, down. They really should have this speech 3 days a week. Doctor's orders.

Lower Legs

Who needs 'em? Seriously, look at the area between your calf and your toes. What good is it? Unless you have a foot fetish... nothing. Now look at the guy to the left. No more buying shoes. No more worrying about puddles. Much greater bounce in his step. Not bad.

The Wheel Of "Fortune"

Why don't they change the name already? How about "The Wheel of One Year's Salary"?

People Who Complain About The Writer's Strike

I'm sick of people who complain about the writer's strike! Geeez! American Idol starts next week! What more do you people want???